We’d been arguing for over an hour and had finally hit a lull. I wrapped my hands around my neck to stop the words from spilling out. It didn’t work.
“You know, sometimes it feels like you enjoy sucking the fucking spirit out of me.”
The words felt like the truest I’d spoken in a long time, and I exhaled. He laughed in disbelief and left the house. I sat on the bed tracing the origins of my feelings. They took me back to being a child, having no army, and being ridiculed for being sensitive so much that I stopped feeling entirely. It reminded me of swallowing so much glass that my soul and spirit left my body. It reminded me of having no choices. It reminded me of the physical pain that I used to get and still get when my heart gets shut down.
Now, as an adult, I’m relearning and dethawing. Feeling everything with as much courage as I can muster and finding simple things that bring me joy, only to have his breath of fire turn it to ashes with one comment. He doesn’t even know how powerful he is because things would be different if he did.
So I dragged my pathetic ass downstairs and decided, crying or not, the fucking dishes still needed to be done.
Most of us have no understanding or compassion towards how sensitive EVERYONE’S emotional states are after being locked down in houses gorging news, booze, and social media and it shows.
Let’s be aware that the majority of us, some more willing to admit than others, are dealing with some severe mental health degradation, phobias, addictions, and griefs not only as a result of this pandemic but just from being human in general. I think it’s time we slow down and give each other a mother fuckin’ break.
This broken foundation and state of fear and hurt that we are operating from is not conducive to progress and resolution when making choices, problem-solving, discoursing, and empathizing with one another. Yet, we continue to nitpick language over the intention, shame, cancel, end relationships, and draw lines in the sand to those that don’t mirror to our liking. You can get an innocent person to plead guilty to anything if you beat them hard and long enough but is that truth?
We are collectively becoming a species addicted to chaos, lacking patience, curiosity, listening skills, tolerance, and open hearts and I refuse to accept that.
Hands raised, No fight left in this particular battle, Because you hide beneath the surface. I’ve dulled knives digging, Skinning myself like a rabbit, Only to find flesh sensitive to wind and touch, Still, you rear your vile head, Poisoning me and others. I shun, I beg, I curse and rip your rotten roots but it’s too late and back you go into your secret hiding place. I have to reconcile, This time, all strategies exhausted, I invited you to the dinner. I let you take over and take me, Smashing plates, Spitting food and flipping tables. Hijacked and to the edge of breathless peace in death, You bored as a tired child does, Curling into my loving arms as I whispered, “Now get some rest you relentless fuck.”
Removed but close enough, Heart tightening for what’s to come, Making me question where we end and another begins, This God, weaved like fabric into every inch.
This is how we learn the lessons of strangers, And you are anything but, Because I see you, In your wildflowers resembling spilled paint, In the wind that rolls through with the right words, In the light that touches each of these hills.
No need for traditional introductions, It’s a pleasure, Wishing you the most peaceful journey, And I’ll keep seeing you.
I took you out and admired your “so-called” perfection, Brand new, vibrant, I was curious and excited about all the places we could go, All the memories we could make, But everything new gets old, And it’s the endurance, The aged authenticity that makes us grow in our relationships with ourselves and others, And while I aged with scars and love, You remained exactly the same. That once full feeling I got by praising your youth had transformed to hollow, And I finally learned that some are meant to be admired behind their glass and that is all.
Light peeking through the curtains, I smile with a sigh of relief. Today, I can see you, I even went to the roof to admire your rise. Making up for all the days your presence fails to penetrate my pit, Not today, I can see you sun, I mean really see you. Please, please stay.