I was late for work and traffic was terrible. It was backed up only a few blocks from my house which is a bit abnormal for my neighborhood. I’ve learned to calm myself during these moments because they come so often in this growing city and honestly, what the fuck else am I going to do? Be pissed off everyday of my life?
I came up on a car that was stalled in the road and some skinny man in his late fifties was simultaneously trying to push his car and jump back in and steer. He was the reason for the traffic I’d been sitting in for 10 minutes. I couldn’t believe not a single person had offered help in this amount of time.
The logic and humanity in me kicked in and I turned on my hazards and jumped out of my car to help. Cars began honking at me, because now, there were two cars stopped on the road. Assholes. People’s logic never ceases to piss me off. Solution: get the fucking stalled car out of the way so the problem no longer exists. Simple, right?
As soon as I got out the man looked at all 120 pounds of me and laughed an annoyed laugh. Casually I responded, “You don’t seem to be in a position to be sexist at this point now do you bud?”
He grumbled, “Lady, I got this, besides there’s no way you can push this big ole car. It’s a lot tougher than one a yer yoga classes.”
I don’t do yoga. However, I did grow up in a small town full of ignorant people and I’m also a woman which means being underestimated comes with the vagina. “Well, would you rather me steer? Your methods are obviously proving inadequate.”
“Fine! Just steer the car and try not to let your tits fuck this up!” This piece of shit I thought.
He began to push his car, correction, he began trying to push his car. I turned the wheel, jumped out and started pushing with him. Together we were obviously making more progress. “I think we almost got it!” I encouraged.
He snickered and shook his head. “Settle down, I can’t believe this is my life right now, relying on a little girl to help me.”
At that moment, I realized something. I don’t need to be helping this guy. With no one steering the wheel and the car at the top of this small hill, I let go and began walking back to my car.
His car rolled backwards down the hill, hopped the curb and hit a fence, crushing the back of his car. I smiled, “Well fuck you too asshole.” I got back in my car, honked my horn, and drove away while flicking him the middle finger. I could see him yelling at the top of the hill. At least his car was on the curb and not the road so traffic could move.
About a week later he moved into the vacant house right next door to mine. Small town of a million I suppose.
CONVERSATIONS WITH ASSHOLES 