I’ll try again tomorrow

I’m not gonna do it. Settle down. I never do.

The thoughts are just strong today.

I’m tired, in pain. I’ve been tired, I’ve been in pain.

I’m grateful, I have a good life. I love my friends, my family, my husband, my animals, my life. Parts of it. Not this part.

I’m just tired. I’m just selfish and I’m positive this version of me serves no one. Not myself. Not others.

I just can’t keep up.

I went to the track today. I saw all the able bodies. I tried to run and I did for a little bit. It felt so good I cried.

But then my body locked up. It does that sometimes. I get so stiff I can’t move, like atrophy or the opposite or something. Like every single muscle tenses at the same time while also deciding to stop working. I can’t explain it. I have to move to the ground quickly and let it run its course.

I can eventually move, and I do, it just takes a minute. But those few seconds, it’s like I forget. It’s like the first time every time. A quiet panic. “How will I get home?” “Should I call someone?” And then I can finally start feeling the tightness release.

I’m able to stretch it out and get up slowly. It’s no longer completely locked, but it’s painful and weak, and then it’s time to go home.

I just wanted to run. I wanted my heart to race, for my blood to move, to feel in control of my body. I never feel in control of my body.

I’m not gonna do it. Settle down. I never do.

I guess I’ll just try again tomorrow.