I’ve been feeling unsettled for the past week or so, and instead of dwelling on the feeling, I’ve been observing it with curiosity. It all started with me trying a meditation style that was suggested to me, which made me uncomfortable. Despite the discomfort, I practiced it about five times before something exciting happened. My higher self came through with a clear message, “Fuck that mediation, it ain’t for you, but first, you gotta learn why!” Of course, my higher self doesn’t communicate like that, but I do, and that’s how I interpreted it. This simple meditation that didn’t feel right from the start ended up being just right in the way that I learned it wasn’t right for me. I’m glad I stayed curious enough for five miserable sessions rather than giving up so that this message could come through.

I realized that I don’t work well with the practice of research, external sources, perfectionism, and urgency when it comes to connecting with and receiving information from higher sources. Call it god, source, higher selves, christ consciousness, consciousness, light-working guides, etc. They are all on the same frequency from my channeling and understanding. I’ve never been someone who does external research surrounding spirituality, my brain tends to shut down, and it’s impossible to retain information. But this doesn’t mean I’m closed off to new things or learning from others. I embrace fluidity and believe it’s essential for our personal and communal growth. I honor and learn from other people’s practices, considering them sacred and valuable. However, for something to truly resonate with me, it has to be integrated in a deeply personal way.

The information I receive needs to flow through my body, serving as a measuring tool for its authenticity and trustworthiness. I believe this is why it’s challenging for me to connect with information through the internet; it often doesn’t resonate with me on an emotional and energetic level for some reason. Instead, the information must pass through my own frequency filtering system to be received and trusted. I think it’s brilliant that this method works for others because we all gain knowledge and absorb information in different ways. It’s just a wild realization to have about myself, and I’m grateful for the wisdom and direction it has provided. Although it’s hard to explain, and I’m sure it sounds crazy, it happens in a very scientific, systematic way. We know so little about ourselves, our capacity, and our connections to everything.

When it comes to adopting someone else’s beliefs or practices, it needs to have a strong sense of familiarity in my heart. There can’t be any questions or reservations; it has to feel like the message was specifically sent to me, as if someone else is tuning in to the same unique radio frequency. This past week, I got caught in a rushed, ego-driven state, challenging my self-trust and discernment, and made the “mistake” of not following my intuition. This “mistake” resulted in an even more profound lesson that I needed to continue in my spiritual journey. Throughout my life, I’ve always trusted that the information I need will come to me when I’m ready, without the need for begging or demanding it, and that is true. It is also true that we need to fuck up and challenge our intuition in order to really lock in and understand how it works and why it’s so damn vital to our lives.

Now, from a wider perspective, this lesson hits on so many more critical issues, not only for me but for humanity in general.

How often do we believe that the things we need to find joy, healing, and satisfaction are outside of ourselves? How often, instead of slowing down and giving ourselves enough space and time to hear our messages, are we desperately researching for answers from other places and people? How often, instead of slowing down and giving ourselves enough space and time to experience our own medicine, are we convincing ourselves that something or someone else’s is stronger and more valuable?

Fuck that meditation. I’m going back to the one that works for me and has my essence weaved all over it. Fuck that weird ass meditation…but thanks for the lesson. See you never.