Karen Sighting

I’d just finished picking up a couple things from the grocery store for my friend’s baby shower. I was adding the destination to my phone when I heard a violent bang on the passenger window. It was a woman, seemingly foaming at the mouth and throwing her cracky noodle arms all over the place. She screamed, “Quit your mother fuckin’ typin’ on your stupid Facebook phone and start driving.”

Gathering all the information quickly and seeing her car parked behind me, stopping traffic, I realized I was encountering a real-live Karen like the ones on the internet. As unexpected as a Big Foot sighting, but sadly not as rare or exciting. She stomped in her bright green crocks back towards her car, and when I made eye contact with her redneck kid in the backseat, it stuck its tongue out at me. At least her asshole feet are comfortable while she runs around terrorizing the world, I thought, and I bet her asshole son wears em’ too.

I got out of my car and yelled, “What the fuck is a Facebook phone?”

She stopped in her shitty tracks and whipped her head around. Her eyes bulged and began twitching like a malfunctioning robot, and she banged her fists on her hood, letting out a scream you only hear from birthing women… or Karens.

She growled, “I need to get to the store, and you’re sittin’ here playin’ on your fuckin’ phone. Now move!”

I let out a petty laugh, “You do realize the amount of time it’s taken to throw this bitch fit, you could have already parked and walked your crazy ass into the store, right?”

As soon as the logical words slipped out of my mouth, I remembered that Karens don’t work on logic. She lost it and began screaming, snarling, and pulling at her hair. Now, because sometimes you gotta out crazy the crazy to deescalate the situation, I zeroed in on the yogurt at the top of my grocery bag. I grabbed the yogurt, opened it fiercely, and raised it above my head. “Alright, you cooky bitch you wanna play with mama?”

Confused, she stopped and watched me in horror as I widened my eyes, smearing the yogurt all over my face and dumping it down the front of my pants. Quiet as a fucking mouse, she jumped into her car, and while speeding off, she yelled: “You need help, you fuckin’ psycho.”

I waved at the recording bystanders, got in my car calmly, and drove off. For the rest of my trip, with yogurt swamping my private crevices, I thought about how I probably did need help… But not as much as that crazy bitch.

COVID Sandwich

She scoffed at my gloves and mask as I walked through the door and when I was forced to check out of her line I prepared myself for her scolding.

“You know this is all a hoax right? They’re trying to turn this place into a fucking police state”

I continued unloading my things off my cart, “Yea who knows right?”

“What do you mean who knows? That’s the damn truth.” Her fury building, her exhaustion showing.

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to see what happens right? Not much we can do at this point.”

She slammed my groceries into bags, “Yea let’s all sit back and let our rights be stripped out from under us like those fucking Chinese while you monkeys run around scared in masks and gloves.”

I sighed, “Can you take it easy with my fucking bread, you got it all smashed and I’m looking forward to a sandwich tonight. Also, I’m not interested in arguing with you lady, we are all wondering what the fuck is going on and none of us have the answers.”

She grabbed my bread and started punching her fist into it. Not surprised at all I watched her assault the one ingredient I needed to make the sandwich that was going to make this week feel seemingly easier. I felt the customers behind me becoming even more unsettled and ready to pounce at the blind opportunity to defend something so much bigger than my shitty bread.

The manager walked over horrified at the sight apologizing profusely and all I could think was how much we need to make mental health a priority in this shit country. All I could think about is how sad it is that we continue to point our fingers in the wrong directions. All I could think about was how I still needed to buy some damn bread for my delicious sandwich.